Paris Hilton Begs People to Sign Petition for Pardon

Mental giants are uniting to keep Paris Hilton out of jail. Paris is begging for help to avoid taking responsibility for driving 70 miles per hour down Sunset Boulevard at night without her headlights on, after she was convicted for DUI. Through her MySpace page, Paris herself is directing her fans over to an iPetition asking Cali Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon her. Posts Paris: “My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn it. i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!” (Please note that misspelling of “sign” is hers, not ours.)

Today Paris rehired her publicist Elliot Mintz who she fired the other day after getting jail time, even though he allegedly lied for her on the stand risking jail time of his own. Mintz undoubtedly helped Paris write her plea to fans. A Paris message would have included the words: jews, ni_ _ers, hos, poor broke a_ _ crack whores, and a lot more love love love.

And who is this “friend Joshua”? Clearly one of the country’s finest legal minds. The petition’s arguments are clear, well-researched and utterly reasonable. Let us take a look. First Josh explains who Paris is, in case Gov. Arnie isn’t aware:

"Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives."

Josh has really summed up the power of Paris. She is a light in an otherwise dark world. A beacon of hope for those of us who aren’t fortunate enough to drink at exclusive clubs then cruise around Hollywood in our Bentley on a suspended license. If America were deprived of that “beauty and excitement” can you even imagine how bleak (most of) our lives would be? I shudder at the thought.

Josh then goes on to reference other celebrities who were charged with crimes but didn’t serve jail time. This is smart thinking; it establishes the legal precedent that celebrities are above the law. As Josh notes:

"Brandy’s California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED most likely due to her reckless driving!"

Josh is obviously not a fan of Brandy. He likes blonde haired, blue eyed, socialites. Josh goes on to give Paris the same level of importance as a United States President:

"If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well."

Boom! Check-f**king-mate. Well played Josh, well played. The situation with President Nixon is directly analogous to the situation with Paris Hilton. Governor Schwarzenegger will look like a total azz if he doesn’t pardon Paris now.

Not so fast Perry Masson Josh meister. There is another petition encouraging Governor Schwarzenegger to put Paris in jail. Yes, this is definitely the petition that will keep our streets safer. Click here and be the cheerleader who saved the world.

The news gets even worse for Paris. Despite an injunction, parisexposed.com has posted notice on their site that they will reopen in 24 hours. If prosecutors bothered to peruse the archives they just might find enough evidence to put Paris away for life, a socialite’s life.