Hayden Panettiere Registers to Vote – Gets Groped

Hayden Panettiere just turned 18. She registered to vote, and she’s holding proof, but has she registered for the draft? If I got stuck in the military, and they put me in charge of drafting people, I’d draft all the hottest chicks in the U.S. Then it would be great to be in the military. I’d even oil those girls up, and put them on the front line of the war zone in string bikinis to oil wrestle in front of the enemy. What man in his right mind would even think about hurting a hot girl? Any war we’d fight would be over before it starts without firing a shot. The other country would probably beg to become a U.S. allie too. Gosh, I’m all sweaty now. I digress when talking about the power beautiful women have over ordinary men.

Anyway, after her 18th birthday party Hayden hit the old folks home, or mummy exhibit, not sure which. This old guy (Norman Lear) did what any old guy would do in his situation, he groped, grabbed, and got a piece of Hayden. What are they gonna do to him, throw him in jail? He’s in a nursing home, he’s in hell already, jail would be a nice vacation. This guy’s my hero, and Hayden, she just became a national treasure. I’m saluting her right now.